Why don't you...

why don't you understand
why don't you find someone
why don't you have a home

i need to know
you have someone besides
warm & affectionate alike
and eager to take over from me
the responsibility of your well being

you will catch a cold,
you will fall sick
you will fell from bike
and fracture your knees
you will get hurt by world
and come home crying

i cant let you live alone
how will u care for self
when i have taught you none
how could i have known
one day you will grow up
and leave the home

not that i'm complaining
but a lot i have missed
my sleep for years
when you woke up at nights
and chose to play or cry
the promotion i was due with
when i instead resigned
the chance to see the world
with the excursions others went
when you were growing
and i could not join

i need to know
it hasn't gone in vain
you are all the meanings
i have lived for
and i want to remain

why don't you understand
why don't you find someone
why don't you have a home

Cooldesire

That was his last sip. He wanted it to last forever.

The bill was already looking stale & making faces onto him. He obliged it with a hundred rupee note and wished there were a jumboo version of the coffee in the menu, like the subway next door offers. He had another glance at the world moving across the glass, the world which was no more existing for him in those moments.

The eyes met again and the thing was understood...time to leave.

Words had never come in their way. They didn't need words to know they were in love and they didn't need 'em to tell that it will remain intact even though they decided they won't.
Now after 4 years (and 3 months 12 days to be precise) his fate have brought him back to the city lanes, and he had a whim to feel what at the moment was filled in her eyes.

The only time he had in his world was now at the mercy of the bus she had to board on. At that time, he loved the traffic, the roads, the congestion and the brawls which people pick at busy roads and forgot to give others a side.

Her mind was empty. She knew her eyes would burst if she choose to utter those words. The words which were already understood, but she wanted to say 'nyway. She knew she had to hold and pretend till she reach home and find the comfort of her pillow. She looked around, and found a bunch of bestsellers lying in dust but well arranged on the pavement. Her eyes sparkled and glued on the one.

"This is my favourite. You cann't imagine how much it reflects of me & supported me when you were not.... " reaching that point, her words got frozen into a silence.

In that silence, all she could see was his smile while he paid for the book.....then reaching for his pen, scribbled something on it and let it slid in her purse. The smile continued to drip from his mouth and his eyes, while she boarded on the bus and even when her hands betrayed her to say goodbye.

The bus geared up to take her away back to the place she had choosen to live in, 'coz it didn't matter anyway. When she grabbed a seat, she found many eyes staring at her crumbled face with inquisitive & pity looks. She reached for the book in her purse in order to look busy in her world.

That was the first time when she saw the preface....with a 'To & her nick name' in print ......and somewhere down a spattering of ink across 'With love - & his signature'.

The signature resembling with the one in print lying next to author's name.

The journey

The train blowed its final horn and started leaving the tracks submerged in the clouds of the thick smoke, marching the pistons on its own beats of rock. His hands motioned to follow his wife & son's, his eyes never loosing the sight of the luggage yet to secure.

At last he was onboard for the journey of his life time, to a place somewhere far off across mountains he has never seen, except in the dreams that he has been seeing all his life through babuji's eyes. And whenever he tried to recall, when and how it all started... all he could feel was the warmth of babuji's hands playing with his little fingers and the cosy lap sitting in which he has heard for the first time about his plans for him to be there someday.

'babuji, will there be TV to watch Humlog'...his curiousity applying the innocence has found a yes in the smile.

'and can Ayu come with me there'...his eyes were now looking for the familiar smile.

Suddenly with the whistle, the train of thoughts brought him back to the last night in his porch.

'Papa, but why are you going there'...little Ajay had asked him when he finished taking account of everything with him and after him. He couldn't recall if babuji gave him any answer for this. All he knew that he wanted him to go. And why 'why' had not been important to him to know, he couldn't recall.

'Ajju, I am going there to bring you the mountain train, so that when you go there you can go comfortably', while lifting him with his both hands, he could also feel the weight of a familiar smile on his face.

'But papa, I don't want to go there, I can play my video games at home', little mind protested indifferent of the smile, and after a little struggle got success in slipping out of the craving hands.
Not sounding disappointed he smiled back, 'No beta, you must go there once, like I am going. Its a place to be. That's what you have to prepare yourself for in life. And don't worry I am going to help you with this, and more than your grandpa helped me with.'

In the silence that followed, the words said it all. It was between him and babuji. His life had been instrumental to be the cause for babuji's victory, and this had earned him reason and the rights to expect the same in return from his son. Besides he's gonna help Ajju in that, and afterall its for him only. What am I to gain?

Once again he's been thinking the same, his thoughts matching the rhythm of the train. He knew its the cable, movies and comp. to blame for their share in spoiling the kids. For all his life, he could remember only one time babuji taking all of 'em to a circus, that too when some relative insisted. Yes, he had also been once to theatre with a neighbour. But then he had only one son. How could he deny him of the pleasures, he slogged so hard to afford, knowing well that in return he has been letting go his time past beyond to avail 'em for himself.

...to be contd.

The last class

Today was the last we sang again
with the chorus with the hearts
we sang for sunshine, and for rains.
for the world, for the love
for that peace and hope remains.

then we stopped for a while
an invisible drop rolled from her eyes
and her voice lifted its weight
said it all, to us without wait.

we stood in the silence
the silence yelled at our pretense
such a heartless we were
letting her go like thus

and then her face glowed again
her mouth enriched the smile
her eyes began
the smile sincere than efforts she made
and sweeter than the cake she baked

may be she just loves to give
so shall she find lot others
who will need

is anything we'll miss,
may be her energy
her scoldings
her smile
a little love
and a bit of life!!!

The point..

I don't like to be labelled with 'something' or to be 'someone'. Today i did this to myself. The worse part is that I did this to prove a point just 'coz people opt listening to 'someone' than to 'reasoning', which I equally dislike. That 'something' was my credibility in technical field and the point was some odd technical discussion. I am not feeling good about it and rather wish, I would have given 'reasoning' one more chance. But I guess atleast I proved the point.

But then proving it like this...what's the point?

Just a song

Just a song for the world
gives a chance for our dreams
Just a song for hte world
that we all live in peace
and the story of our hopes
is never ending.
Let us sing our fears away
and together we'll stay
hand in hand
so we all will survive.
Let our song turn on the lights
in the dark of lonely nights
let'em shine,
keep our feelings alive.

- something we sang in our German class and made my day...

Lost for no cause....

I wish I could do the same for my work.

You will appreciate my sentiments if u've ever got a 1000+

pages scrap (sorry documentations) to chew, digest and

litter a stack of fine grained expert opinion & work estimate for it

within an eternity of 5 days?

calvin on loopholes

How vs. Why

There is a prevalent belief that what a person needs to accomplish a goal is the knowledge of how. If they possess the knowledge of how to make and fly a kite, then they can go out and build, then fly, a kite. However, it is not always so simple. Consider this...

How many of us wish that we were in better shape? How many of us actually are?
- Nearly everyone has some aspect of fitness that they wish to improve; lose weight, exercise more, build muscle, or whatever.
- Nearly everyone possesses the knowledge of how to eat and exercise to accomplish these goals.

So knowledge plus desire does not equal results. There must be something else out there that prevents us from employing this knowledge. What is that? How do we discover it? How do we eliminate it as an obstacle to employing the knowledge that we have of how to achieve our goals?

Now consider this : our taking action on the knowledge that we have so that we can obtain the desired outcome involves a mental calculation that we probably don’t even know we are making. In that calculation, we evaluate what something will “cost” us in some way vs. the benefit we can expect from it and then we decide whether to take the action or not. The “software” for making this calculation runs deep in the background processes of our mind. We are no more aware of this calculation in most cases than we are aware of our breathing or our heartbeat.

So if it's not working for you inspite of having the desire and knowledge, then we have to bring this calculation into our consciousness, examine it, see why the calculation is coming out to a “no” decision, then see if there are variables that we can alter in order to get to a “yes” decision. Better yet, we may even decide that “no” is the right decision and discard our desire for that thing. Either way, we have aligned our desired outcome with the actions we are taking.

Sounds simple. But, not so fast! It turns out there is another issue that occurs when we start examining this cost/benefit computation: there are variables at work that we have trouble recognizing. Hidden variables such as: looking good, feeling safe, being accepted by others, alignment with the past meanings....well you got to find your own.

-author unknown (edited)

2 pennies

I happen to visit VFS office in pune to submit my friend's visa application. My second attempt, 'coz yesterday US was celeberating Martin Luther King birthday. A big queue on the ground floor & even bigger at the entry door. Everyone well dressed and behaving their best. Guys coming out of mercedes & standing in line, sharing the wrath of sun with a smile. So many dreams awaiting their turns in a queue which even got stretched to block the parking lot. Never saw a guard being treated like an angel before. Overall it was quite amusing to see the socialism guarding the doorway of capitalism.

Everything else on my part went fine, except that my bike was picked up by cops for parking at a wrong spot. I ended up paying 150 Rs fine which was okay considering my mistake, but when I asked for the receipt they came with the finest of excuse that i'll have to wait till the guy with the receipt book come back from his round. Like yet another sincere but indifferent citizen and justifying it with my inability to spare time for the seemingly endless wait, I silently handed over the money and walked out with my bike. Am I feeling bad about it....I dunno.

Quarter life crisis

Being twenty something, the 'Quarter life crisis' as it is called, hit upon those quite often who have settled in their career, unlucky or indifferent to love & for no good reasons haven't yet settled in life. But these are just the qualifying essentials. What really makes it a crisis is their confused state of mind. The real syndrome I guess is their lack of reasons to conform to the society norms, and void of the meanings to live a life of their own.

If you are eligble and want to know whether you qualify or not...for being a victim of this age block, just check if you find yourself more in agreement than declines over these symptoms -

• The friends without whom you couldn't afford to dwell in your future have started acting like strangers as if the episode of your life with 'em is over.
• The big dreams & the never ending spirit with which you started your career is gone.
• Out of a minute long scroll of online friends in your msg list, not even a single one tempts you for a buzz or a smiley. Same goes with your phone book.
• The million dollar question pops up in every other conversation. 'So, when are you getting married'
• You look at couples who seem happy, and wonder if you are late in joining the elite race. And once a while if you see or hear 'em getting bored or fight, you smile and tell yourself that may be you are right.
• Your options to loan for a flat, car & plan for a settled life overweigh your quest to explore the unknown in life..but just for a while, and then they change the sides in your thinking ground like the pendulum of your choice clock.
• The spirit to organize a meet, a trek, a disc or a Jagjeet Singh night fades away with time, 'coz the ones you want to plan it with, either would be busy or would come along with someone.
• You stop thinking over what should, and start wondering over what will...tomorrow hold for you .
• Last but not the least, you find blogging a creative way to kill time & justify your status over the weekends.

Undoubtely I fall in the same class with the exception that I seem to be enjoying it...though without knowing the reasons why. May be, there is a better side to it. The way I see it, is not entirely as a crisis rather to an extent as an opportunity. The opportunity to live in a space, where I can dwell, explore & embrace my own meanings in life. The time to compose & fill the void with humming of my own song, to conceive & paint the canvas with shades of my own colors. At the end of it, it doesn't matter if it turns out to be a road less travelled or the same one everyone else seems to be walking. What matters is whether its your choice or you are just following, and I bet the walk will never be the same.

A wish for each day...

Mornings bliss

Mornings are blissful...

• when I go on the terrace and feel the breeze.
• when the sun rises from nowhere & gulps the desserted horizon across the hill.
• when the sky changes the shades more than my eyes could absorb.
• when the people on the hill next to my house are belittled by their own shadows.
• when I see silence of dusk turning into the chirping of birds.
• when the cable wires over my rooftop hold the dews like a diamond & let 'em go in the silence.
• when I smell the ginger while sipping from my tea.
• when I forgot the meanings, rest of the day I'll have to live.
• when the moment freezes and I don't exist.
• when I am void of wishes and I just live.
  
  ...then the thoughts interrupt me, convince me to be rational being and I start my day.

German chitchat

Wie gehts! (How'z you!)

My mornings apart from routine sunrise & ginger tea now-a-days include a rush hour to german classes. No no..don't get me wrong.. ich liebe keine german fraulin, aber ich mag meinen Lehrer für ihre unterrichtende Art. (go figure it out urself). Anyway some of the interesting observations I can recall so far

-jo la la - sounds like an expression of joy...on the contrary it means you are doin pathetic, only that you don't want to admit it.
-dick means thick and not anything else.
-like most of other frage(Questions) 'darf ich herin kommnen' (may i come in) can't be followed by 'Sie'.. and I can't even explain it to you.
-As if maskulin and feminine weren't enough in genders, there is a neutrum...and if u act like a kind (child) u can't be placed in tht category. And the moment u think u r getting it right, u do the blunder with articles to switch the genders.
- Chef is not a cook but ur boss.
- You don't do partiality between ur girlfriend (freundin) and a friend who happens to be a girl (freundin)
- you can boast abt being addressed loyally 'Herr Ober' even if u work as a waiter.

more to follow...if I survive the test tomorrow.

Jal ki Abhilasha

We're at doodhsagar fall on our way to Kuveshi camp. While looking at the stream Ajay asked me ..'Just like pushp ki abhilasha....what could it mean for this flowing water'...and I couldn't stop thinking about it in this way.

chah nahin tarantalon me
bichh pyari ko lalchaon.
chah nahin subala ke angon ko chhuon
aur bhagya pe idhlaon.
chah nahin filter hoken
bisleri ki bottles me bhara jaon.

ek chhoti si hai abhilasha
ki uthu pawan ke sang udu.
phir banke badal barsoon dhara pe
indhardhanush ke rang bharoon.
barsoon khet khalihaaon me
fasloon me naya jeevan laon.
pyase thakit drigon me jhalkoon
khushion ka sa neer bahaon.

aur ant samay jab aayen jalmaali
uss path pe tum dena mod.
swachand nirantar bahkar miloon mai
nadiyon se sagar ki aur!!

A Lonely Night

At a stretched lonely night,
I see the horizon loosing its sight,
to the endless rows of faded light.
Birds are gone & city is at home.
A little far away from sky,
I can hear a beetle cry.
and I wonder for those sleeping souls
resting now in peace with their awaken dreams.
they will wake up with the sunshine,
they will leave their dreams behind,
leave to chase a meaningful life,
meanings which they haven't owned,
& why they are living 'em they will never know.
Or may be I see through all this
in defense of my own meaningless life
'coz a little far away in that beetle's cry
I can hear my own plight.

My girl

Friends often ask what sort of girl you would fall for. Most of times I simply reply 'I dunno', 'coz there is no checklist of practical criteria. But then what about the wishlist. Here are some scribbled in those good moments when hope, desires, and day dreaming bugged me...

• cute looks, innocent smile, a little less in height such that she can tilt her head on shoulders of mine.
• vulnerable to trust, compassion, a free laugh, rains, a silent walk...
• demands like a child but sticks to scolding and pampering when i sound alike.
• a somewhat lost soul who haven't yet charted the big plans for life, void of worries for tomorrow, with lot of free time and willing to explore.
• not much practical for life, understands what it means to live with a 'self' defined by others, and to be alone.
• not a big spendthrift or ambitious of materialistic things 'coz one thing i've figured out that i may not be able to save enough to afford the luxuries and securites in life, yet I want to take pride in being responsible for her well being.

That's it!

Unspoken Wait

Taken from a past excerpt of the memory lane...

It was sunday. No work. No other motive to sit in office too. We were two alien in the city. Well he exactly not, because he studied at that place. And from his talks it appeared that he was nostalagic about the time that he spent there. There must be a story behind it. But we're not good enough buddies to have me the right to ask, and perhaps he too was reluctant to share on his own for the same reason. Our common objective was to kill time, and the preferred way was to sit in a dark room for 3 hours not looking, not talking, not listening to each other and still have a feeling that we achieved it together. I wonder why people always look for a company to go for a movie they really want to see, and more why in order to 'njoy someone's company they opt to go for a movie. They anyway don't seem to enjoy both of 'em together (..barring exceptional cases...). Isn't it like one of those mutually exclusive co-existing relationship....am I sounding like talking about marriages.

We didn't get the tickets. I asked him if we have other options. He seemed interested in taking me to his college. His enthusiasm met with my agreement. May be he wanted to take a walk down his memory lanes. He said he liked to be there. I wondered if he goes there often. He seems to have read my mind, or may be it doesn't matter. For once he started he kept on going,
'Coming here after a long time. This was our department. This is our canteen. We used to bunk classes and sit here. and this is the lake..we used to come here almost every evening and spent time together'

So the conversation was getting more and more on to the 'We'. I knew he's deep down in the memory lane, and would like to talk about it.

'So what happend', my pebble had started creating ripples in the rather seemingly peaceful lake.
'What, what....happened', like a red-handed caught he felt a little embarassed.
'Where is she now', my senses told me to continue, not worrying about his hesitation or my good feel factor.
'She is here in this town only, working in another company', he was opening up.
'Are you in touch. Do you meet often', I was waiting for a breakup tale to be unfolded.
'Yes, we are very good friends. Infact I asked her for the movie before coming with you. But she had some work and couldn't come', he sounded enthusiastic and feeling proud of their still going friendship.
'So do you like her?', now I was confused, wandering...eager to clear up.
'Yes, I do', he simply replied.
'And what about her', was the obvious question coming from me.
'I guess yes, I do feel so, but I am not so sure', he replied with a sounding confusion.
'Have you ever asked her' - me
'No, but..actually not' - he
'Do you feel shy to ask' - me
'No...I am very comfortable with her, and we can talk over any subject', he was again proudish about it.
'So, you are afraid of loosing your friendship, if you ask and she says no", I was feeling victorious in having reached a conclusion.
'No, it's not like that. I know that if I ask, she'll say 'Yes'. That's not the problem', his eyes were having that familiar solitude when he said that.

I was confused now, all my logical options seemed to be over with that reply. I was hesistant to ask anything further for the fear that I won't understand, and he won't feel good about having not been understood. We kept walking in silence. Ripples seems to have settled down in lake too.

'You know, i love her so much...if anytime she comes to me and asks me to marry her..that would be the happiest moment of my life. May be I am silently waiting for that moment to happen. I know if she comes to know about my feelings, she would say yes. But I need to know that she feels the same way for me, irrespective of my feelings towards her...I don't know why, but I do need to know that...", while saying this his eyes were so full that he would have leant on my shoulder only if guys were allowed to cry.

Silence resumed again in our walk and I imagine far off two girls sitting somewhere on stairs having the same talks. One of them would be her, only that she would be free to snob while uttering out those words.

Little Plant

In the heart of a seed
buried deep, so deep,
a dear little plant
lay fast asleep.
"Wake!" said the sunshine
"and creep to the light."
"Wake!" said the voice
of the raindrops bright.
The little plant heard
and it rose to see
what the wonderful
outside world might be.

- K L Brown

The bulls and bears

For those who are still 'njoying the bulls and bears of stock market like me, here is an inspirational story I came across -

Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50." The villagers queued up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.

After that neither there was the man nor his assistant. The only thing remaining were monkeys and monkeys :)

This is how the stock market works.