Seasons

In spring, hundreds of flowers;
in autumn, a harvest moon;
in the summer, a refreshing breeze;
in winter snow will accompany you.

if useless things do not hang in your mind,
any season is a good season for you.

-excerpt from zen koan

Motto of the day

Mindless

As for me, I delight
In the everyday Way,
Among mist-wrapped vines
And rocky caves.
Here in the wilderness
I am completely free,
With my friends,
The white clouds,
Idling forever.
There are roads,
But they do not reach the world;
Since I am mindless,
Who can rouse my thoughts?
On a bed of stone I sit,
Alone in the night,
While the round moon
Climbs up Cold Mountain.

- Han shan ( 8th century)

Justifications

I stop at red signal and try to smell the remnant of today's pouring. A hand jolts my shirt. In split of second I ensure the weight of bulge in my side pocket, and give a quick glance at the lady standing next to me with a kid wrapped around her waist. The spreading hand and plight in her eyes saying it all what she needs. I want to look into her eyes to figure out the sense of urgency in her plea. But that will raise her hopes. So I pretend not to look towards her and wait for the glow in green.

Musings start taking over mind. If out of pity, I handover some money, I am setting her up to live this easy resort for life, so I am fully justified in showing indifference. The other day at some other signal, a little boy came and cleaned my bike with his shirt without my consent and then the familiar hand stretched out, and I gave him a blank look till the traffic cop waved us for a clear way. I remember the sad look in that boy's eyes, so I had to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand with similar thoughts. And next morning while eating my breakfast poha, I saw two boys lashing their bare chest and back with whip (guess a traditional street entertainer), and when one of them approaches towards me, I handover a ten rupee note and feel freed from the guilt trip haunting me in eyes of that cleaning boy. Atleast they are taking some efforts (wht the heck if it's to beat themselves for others' amusement) to deserve the money.

There was this jolt again, and I came back from my thoughts. Signal hasn't cleared yet. The murmur is becoming distinct and now taking the tone of cursing. Am I so inhuman that I can't spare 1-2 rupees for the child's milk", is what all I could hear in her words. I am not going to give in to these evokes. I change the gears and move the bike a little forward to end this struggle. I see her with a resigned look and now may be in hunt for another prospect. Her last words still echoing in my mind. I am not inhuman. You should see how generous I am with the elderly beggars. The honks from behind remind me of the green light and I move on all set to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand.

Equations...

...and I am sure he meant mysterious too.

Last Meet

It is your 3rd call. The other two marked missed in my mobile. I pick it up while rehearsing an apology which won't sound so guilty and at the same time not indifferent too. I reply to all the standard questions with the standard answers. You too seem eager to get over the conversation etiquettes quickly. You ask me if I have seen --- movie. I am glad I have already seen it. And I feel more glad that I have to meet a friend that evening, and so I cann't join you for dinner too. Your voice sounds distraught and silence grips over our conversation. For a while, I think you have hang up on me. The guilt trip daunts upon me, and I want to make it up for you. I ask if we could meet for lunch the next day. The smile returns back in your voice and you readily agree.

I spend much of next morning thinking what you are going to tell me over lunch and what am I going to say. Restless so I am, I reach 10 minutes before and worse you come 6 minutes late. You give a sorry look without bothering for my reaction and I try to ignore it thinking it's you who really need and concerned about this meet . I ask you what do you want to eat and you reply 'whatever' as if that's the last thing you have come here for. 3 minutes have past since we ordered and not spoken yet. I am well rehearsed for my part and waiting eagerly for you to tell me the inevitable. You look around stealing a glance of mine as if to judge my mood. I know you are just about to confide in me. Soon you will be done with your talks, and wipe your tears as if some louse has fallen in your eyes. And by that time, I'll be all burdened with all your secrets, which I'll be never able to get rid of. And then I'll be part of your close circle where you have instilled your faith, always feeling obliged to think for your well being. Worse, next time you will expect me to tell you my story of life with all my longings, embarassing moments and what all troubling my heart (even if none at that moment), and I'll be expected to believe in your concerns for them.

The waiter interrupts my thoughts, and I find you staring at me as if ready to start as soon as I meet your eyes. What the heck. It has to be said and done once for all. I gather a smiling look and ask what's troubling you. You smile back with interest and it widens and widens. And then you tell me the inevitable. You're going for higher studies to fulfill your dreams, the much awaited ones, so much so that nothing else matters for you before 'em. And you simply want to meet and say 'goodbye' to all your friends before leaving, and I am one of them. You look so happy. I feel so helpless. Next 20 minutes you are so excited and engrossed giving me details of the future you are going to live in, and I am busy trying to read the sign 'you will miss me' in your eyes. I wonder if I am the one who is going to give you the missed calls from now onward.

C. H. on fate

Images copyright Bill Watterson and Universal Press Syndicate

Parts of me

I will present you parts
of my self slowly
if you are patient and tender.

I will open drawers
that mostly stay closed
and bring out places and people and things
sounds and smells,
loves and frustrations,
hopes and sadnesses,
bits and pieces of three decades of life
that have been grabbed off
in chunks
and found lying in my hands.
they have eaten
their way into my memory,
carved their way into
my heart.
altogether

- you or i will never see them -
they are me.
if you regard them lightly,
deny that they are important
or worse, judge them
i will quietly, slowly,
begin to wrap them up,
in small pieces of velvet,
like worn silver and gold jewelry,
tuck them away
in a small wooden chest of drawers
and close.

- John T. Wood 1974

Why don't you...

why don't you understand
why don't you find someone
why don't you have a home

i need to know
you have someone besides
warm & affectionate alike
and eager to take over from me
the responsibility of your well being

you will catch a cold,
you will fall sick
you will fell from bike
and fracture your knees
you will get hurt by world
and come home crying

i cant let you live alone
how will u care for self
when i have taught you none
how could i have known
one day you will grow up
and leave the home

not that i'm complaining
but a lot i have missed
my sleep for years
when you woke up at nights
and chose to play or cry
the promotion i was due with
when i instead resigned
the chance to see the world
with the excursions others went
when you were growing
and i could not join

i need to know
it hasn't gone in vain
you are all the meanings
i have lived for
and i want to remain

why don't you understand
why don't you find someone
why don't you have a home

Cooldesire

That was his last sip. He wanted it to last forever.

The bill was already looking stale & making faces onto him. He obliged it with a hundred rupee note and wished there were a jumboo version of the coffee in the menu, like the subway next door offers. He had another glance at the world moving across the glass, the world which was no more existing for him in those moments.

The eyes met again and the thing was understood...time to leave.

Words had never come in their way. They didn't need words to know they were in love and they didn't need 'em to tell that it will remain intact even though they decided they won't.
Now after 4 years (and 3 months 12 days to be precise) his fate have brought him back to the city lanes, and he had a whim to feel what at the moment was filled in her eyes.

The only time he had in his world was now at the mercy of the bus she had to board on. At that time, he loved the traffic, the roads, the congestion and the brawls which people pick at busy roads and forgot to give others a side.

Her mind was empty. She knew her eyes would burst if she choose to utter those words. The words which were already understood, but she wanted to say 'nyway. She knew she had to hold and pretend till she reach home and find the comfort of her pillow. She looked around, and found a bunch of bestsellers lying in dust but well arranged on the pavement. Her eyes sparkled and glued on the one.

"This is my favourite. You cann't imagine how much it reflects of me & supported me when you were not.... " reaching that point, her words got frozen into a silence.

In that silence, all she could see was his smile while he paid for the book.....then reaching for his pen, scribbled something on it and let it slid in her purse. The smile continued to drip from his mouth and his eyes, while she boarded on the bus and even when her hands betrayed her to say goodbye.

The bus geared up to take her away back to the place she had choosen to live in, 'coz it didn't matter anyway. When she grabbed a seat, she found many eyes staring at her crumbled face with inquisitive & pity looks. She reached for the book in her purse in order to look busy in her world.

That was the first time when she saw the preface....with a 'To & her nick name' in print ......and somewhere down a spattering of ink across 'With love - & his signature'.

The signature resembling with the one in print lying next to author's name.

The journey

The train blowed its final horn and started leaving the tracks submerged in the clouds of the thick smoke, marching the pistons on its own beats of rock. His hands motioned to follow his wife & son's, his eyes never loosing the sight of the luggage yet to secure.

At last he was onboard for the journey of his life time, to a place somewhere far off across mountains he has never seen, except in the dreams that he has been seeing all his life through babuji's eyes. And whenever he tried to recall, when and how it all started... all he could feel was the warmth of babuji's hands playing with his little fingers and the cosy lap sitting in which he has heard for the first time about his plans for him to be there someday.

'babuji, will there be TV to watch Humlog'...his curiousity applying the innocence has found a yes in the smile.

'and can Ayu come with me there'...his eyes were now looking for the familiar smile.

Suddenly with the whistle, the train of thoughts brought him back to the last night in his porch.

'Papa, but why are you going there'...little Ajay had asked him when he finished taking account of everything with him and after him. He couldn't recall if babuji gave him any answer for this. All he knew that he wanted him to go. And why 'why' had not been important to him to know, he couldn't recall.

'Ajju, I am going there to bring you the mountain train, so that when you go there you can go comfortably', while lifting him with his both hands, he could also feel the weight of a familiar smile on his face.

'But papa, I don't want to go there, I can play my video games at home', little mind protested indifferent of the smile, and after a little struggle got success in slipping out of the craving hands.
Not sounding disappointed he smiled back, 'No beta, you must go there once, like I am going. Its a place to be. That's what you have to prepare yourself for in life. And don't worry I am going to help you with this, and more than your grandpa helped me with.'

In the silence that followed, the words said it all. It was between him and babuji. His life had been instrumental to be the cause for babuji's victory, and this had earned him reason and the rights to expect the same in return from his son. Besides he's gonna help Ajju in that, and afterall its for him only. What am I to gain?

Once again he's been thinking the same, his thoughts matching the rhythm of the train. He knew its the cable, movies and comp. to blame for their share in spoiling the kids. For all his life, he could remember only one time babuji taking all of 'em to a circus, that too when some relative insisted. Yes, he had also been once to theatre with a neighbour. But then he had only one son. How could he deny him of the pleasures, he slogged so hard to afford, knowing well that in return he has been letting go his time past beyond to avail 'em for himself.

...to be contd.

The last class

Today was the last we sang again
with the chorus with the hearts
we sang for sunshine, and for rains.
for the world, for the love
for that peace and hope remains.

then we stopped for a while
an invisible drop rolled from her eyes
and her voice lifted its weight
said it all, to us without wait.

we stood in the silence
the silence yelled at our pretense
such a heartless we were
letting her go like thus

and then her face glowed again
her mouth enriched the smile
her eyes began
the smile sincere than efforts she made
and sweeter than the cake she baked

may be she just loves to give
so shall she find lot others
who will need

is anything we'll miss,
may be her energy
her scoldings
her smile
a little love
and a bit of life!!!

The point..

I don't like to be labelled with 'something' or to be 'someone'. Today i did this to myself. The worse part is that I did this to prove a point just 'coz people opt listening to 'someone' than to 'reasoning', which I equally dislike. That 'something' was my credibility in technical field and the point was some odd technical discussion. I am not feeling good about it and rather wish, I would have given 'reasoning' one more chance. But I guess atleast I proved the point.

But then proving it like this...what's the point?

Just a song

Just a song for the world
gives a chance for our dreams
Just a song for hte world
that we all live in peace
and the story of our hopes
is never ending.
Let us sing our fears away
and together we'll stay
hand in hand
so we all will survive.
Let our song turn on the lights
in the dark of lonely nights
let'em shine,
keep our feelings alive.

- something we sang in our German class and made my day...

Lost for no cause....

I wish I could do the same for my work.

You will appreciate my sentiments if u've ever got a 1000+

pages scrap (sorry documentations) to chew, digest and

litter a stack of fine grained expert opinion & work estimate for it

within an eternity of 5 days?

calvin on loopholes

How vs. Why

There is a prevalent belief that what a person needs to accomplish a goal is the knowledge of how. If they possess the knowledge of how to make and fly a kite, then they can go out and build, then fly, a kite. However, it is not always so simple. Consider this...

How many of us wish that we were in better shape? How many of us actually are?
- Nearly everyone has some aspect of fitness that they wish to improve; lose weight, exercise more, build muscle, or whatever.
- Nearly everyone possesses the knowledge of how to eat and exercise to accomplish these goals.

So knowledge plus desire does not equal results. There must be something else out there that prevents us from employing this knowledge. What is that? How do we discover it? How do we eliminate it as an obstacle to employing the knowledge that we have of how to achieve our goals?

Now consider this : our taking action on the knowledge that we have so that we can obtain the desired outcome involves a mental calculation that we probably don’t even know we are making. In that calculation, we evaluate what something will “cost” us in some way vs. the benefit we can expect from it and then we decide whether to take the action or not. The “software” for making this calculation runs deep in the background processes of our mind. We are no more aware of this calculation in most cases than we are aware of our breathing or our heartbeat.

So if it's not working for you inspite of having the desire and knowledge, then we have to bring this calculation into our consciousness, examine it, see why the calculation is coming out to a “no” decision, then see if there are variables that we can alter in order to get to a “yes” decision. Better yet, we may even decide that “no” is the right decision and discard our desire for that thing. Either way, we have aligned our desired outcome with the actions we are taking.

Sounds simple. But, not so fast! It turns out there is another issue that occurs when we start examining this cost/benefit computation: there are variables at work that we have trouble recognizing. Hidden variables such as: looking good, feeling safe, being accepted by others, alignment with the past meanings....well you got to find your own.

-author unknown (edited)

2 pennies

I happen to visit VFS office in pune to submit my friend's visa application. My second attempt, 'coz yesterday US was celeberating Martin Luther King birthday. A big queue on the ground floor & even bigger at the entry door. Everyone well dressed and behaving their best. Guys coming out of mercedes & standing in line, sharing the wrath of sun with a smile. So many dreams awaiting their turns in a queue which even got stretched to block the parking lot. Never saw a guard being treated like an angel before. Overall it was quite amusing to see the socialism guarding the doorway of capitalism.

Everything else on my part went fine, except that my bike was picked up by cops for parking at a wrong spot. I ended up paying 150 Rs fine which was okay considering my mistake, but when I asked for the receipt they came with the finest of excuse that i'll have to wait till the guy with the receipt book come back from his round. Like yet another sincere but indifferent citizen and justifying it with my inability to spare time for the seemingly endless wait, I silently handed over the money and walked out with my bike. Am I feeling bad about it....I dunno.

Quarter life crisis

Being twenty something, the 'Quarter life crisis' as it is called, hit upon those quite often who have settled in their career, unlucky or indifferent to love & for no good reasons haven't yet settled in life. But these are just the qualifying essentials. What really makes it a crisis is their confused state of mind. The real syndrome I guess is their lack of reasons to conform to the society norms, and void of the meanings to live a life of their own.

If you are eligble and want to know whether you qualify or not...for being a victim of this age block, just check if you find yourself more in agreement than declines over these symptoms -

• The friends without whom you couldn't afford to dwell in your future have started acting like strangers as if the episode of your life with 'em is over.
• The big dreams & the never ending spirit with which you started your career is gone.
• Out of a minute long scroll of online friends in your msg list, not even a single one tempts you for a buzz or a smiley. Same goes with your phone book.
• The million dollar question pops up in every other conversation. 'So, when are you getting married'
• You look at couples who seem happy, and wonder if you are late in joining the elite race. And once a while if you see or hear 'em getting bored or fight, you smile and tell yourself that may be you are right.
• Your options to loan for a flat, car & plan for a settled life overweigh your quest to explore the unknown in life..but just for a while, and then they change the sides in your thinking ground like the pendulum of your choice clock.
• The spirit to organize a meet, a trek, a disc or a Jagjeet Singh night fades away with time, 'coz the ones you want to plan it with, either would be busy or would come along with someone.
• You stop thinking over what should, and start wondering over what will...tomorrow hold for you .
• Last but not the least, you find blogging a creative way to kill time & justify your status over the weekends.

Undoubtely I fall in the same class with the exception that I seem to be enjoying it...though without knowing the reasons why. May be, there is a better side to it. The way I see it, is not entirely as a crisis rather to an extent as an opportunity. The opportunity to live in a space, where I can dwell, explore & embrace my own meanings in life. The time to compose & fill the void with humming of my own song, to conceive & paint the canvas with shades of my own colors. At the end of it, it doesn't matter if it turns out to be a road less travelled or the same one everyone else seems to be walking. What matters is whether its your choice or you are just following, and I bet the walk will never be the same.

A wish for each day...