For once and all, he looked at the draft and put it across the table. Figure in it was more than he has ever earned, and probably even what he would ever spend. But there wasn't even a thought about it. Soon he was going to own what owned him already. The pacific location, hilltop view from the balcony, and the sparkling city at night from its terrace, he was simply in love with all that it had to offer. Even an unspoken admiration for how the cabinets were fixed in kitchen, the symmetry or whatever that reflects through all the window panes, and he could never explain to himself what was in its walls and pillars that he felt so relaxed to touch everytime.
When he saw it first time, it was still getting built up. He had no intentions for it that time. A bird of passage he was, with savings good enough to last for long, and desires curtailed enough to not let him fall in the vicious circle of life. But everthing changed once he stood at that place and looked beyond the horizon. He felt contented for a life time. That moment he knew what he wants, and today he was going to get it.
His thoughts were perturbed by the laughter coming across the table, after those familiar eyes gazed and verified the figure.
'aji jaldi kya hai, ek baar final muyaana to kar lijiyen...len den to hota rahenga'
(There is no hurry, let's give a final inspection to the place. The transaction can happen later).
What was there to inspect. He even knew the count of tiles. Last he saw it was a week back, only the final touch was missing. He didn't say a thing and went with him. The place was lit up bright with diwali lights. And it was then he saw it finished for the first time. The green color all over in the front with stripes of white, yellow and grey at places. The green color. He stared at it for a while, turned back, and nobody heard of him after that for a long time.
Someone spotted him passing by that house today. He was wearing a greenish shirt. The house has a silver name plate shimmering in sunshine against all blue in the front .
Tuesday
Saturday
Strategies
It's sunday evening. Rishi is still in his lazing mood, besides India Scotland match is due at 8.00pm. Preeti has already mentioned twice about this walking plaza at MG road. First time, it was casual, which Rishi knows he could afford to ignore with no risk. But at lunch Preeti prepares his favourite dish with crispy rotis (bread), and then mentions about her plan to go with Mrs. raman to that walking plaza , but then her husband is taking her out for a movie in the evening. From her sad and anticipating looks, Rishi knows now that he has little choice but to go. As his last best shot, he complains of headache and little temperature. But a refreshing ginger tea served with a smile and the concern that he should rest and she won't go if he's so unwell; and he knows he himself wants to go. Only thing he hopes that India won't bat first and that they will be back before 9.30.
Per the initial intention, it is supposed to be just the window shopping. But then Preeti stops at a jewellery showroom and stares at a necklace for more than a glance. The half curved smile on her face when she looks at him and holds him softly from his elbow with her both hands, and he knows they are going to enter the shop. Ofcourse she just wants to check out that, with no intention to buy. But since she is trying, it's fair enough to ask the price. She gives a sigh on hearing the price, then looks into his eyes, presses his wrist and tells him softly she didn't like it so much, besides she already has one she got as a marriage gift. Quitely they walk out of the shop.
Already feeling guilty, Rishi insists they should go out for dinner to her favourite restaurant. He has now forgotton about the match. But she says no, and that she'll prepare it at home only. India is already on bat, with 4 wickets down though situation is not so bad. But he decides it's already a lost cause and he should better off to sleep. In bedroom, he finds Preeti humming and combing her hairs. She seems to be in a good mood. At night, before sleeping he is thinking may be ....the money he was to receive at end of month for a freelance contract he is working on, and he can give her a surprise. The very thought makes him happy. Next morning he will barely remember whether it was a dream or just his wishful thinking....of how much happy she was, and the warm hug he got, when he asked her to close her eyes and handed her the surprise.
Per the initial intention, it is supposed to be just the window shopping. But then Preeti stops at a jewellery showroom and stares at a necklace for more than a glance. The half curved smile on her face when she looks at him and holds him softly from his elbow with her both hands, and he knows they are going to enter the shop. Ofcourse she just wants to check out that, with no intention to buy. But since she is trying, it's fair enough to ask the price. She gives a sigh on hearing the price, then looks into his eyes, presses his wrist and tells him softly she didn't like it so much, besides she already has one she got as a marriage gift. Quitely they walk out of the shop.
Already feeling guilty, Rishi insists they should go out for dinner to her favourite restaurant. He has now forgotton about the match. But she says no, and that she'll prepare it at home only. India is already on bat, with 4 wickets down though situation is not so bad. But he decides it's already a lost cause and he should better off to sleep. In bedroom, he finds Preeti humming and combing her hairs. She seems to be in a good mood. At night, before sleeping he is thinking may be ....the money he was to receive at end of month for a freelance contract he is working on, and he can give her a surprise. The very thought makes him happy. Next morning he will barely remember whether it was a dream or just his wishful thinking....of how much happy she was, and the warm hug he got, when he asked her to close her eyes and handed her the surprise.
Wednesday
Lost years
"Hieeeeeeeeeeee........pahchaana (did you recognize me)", the ardent voice almost yelled at me as soon as I picked up the phone and identified myself, and I had to take down a memory trip 'coz that sounded definitely from a known one with all the warmth and possession it could carry. All known and distant faces got scanned through my eyes trying to fit in the puzzle. Got a hunch that it was atleast from a decade behind.
"Nahin pahchaana na (you didn't recognize me!!!), remember we used to chase guys together...", without hearing further I immediately jumped into my twenties. Two girls sitting on a mellow rock, or a coffee shop, and if nothing else then a shopping spree...always giggling, sometimes just to catch the attention...placing bets which eye candy will catch on our smiles frist and which eyes will look away immediately once caught in crime of basking. All funny silly things, how could I forgot. All of a sudden I felt like living those years back.
"Com'mon...abb bhi nahin (still not?)"...it was only then i had to come back to my senses and yelled with matching pitch 'Subhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.........' (writer's note : never understood why girls have to stretch things so long)
Not knowing after how long, but it striked to me that we both were talking rather screaming without listenting or caring for listening from the other. But guess every girl has the right and a mastery to do that. So what followed was an awkward silence may be because we both realized this at the same time, and then a splutter of gag until we both felt need to catch up with our breaths.
"So where are you these days?" now the usual conversation to know what-now-a-days-happening was in row.
After exchanging our regulars of life, I was curious to know how come she remembered me after so long all of sudden. We lost the personal touch after her settlement and subsequent oversea shift, and then the usual exchanged of emails and phone calls faded because we lost on reasons and common topics to discuss. As they say the life moves on. But they also say the world is round and small. So here we were back almost in vicinity if you can call mumbai and pune closeby considering my assertion relative to mumbai and ny.
"Guess what I happened to meet Manu yesterday and then immediately i remembered you. You remember the guy na..." her voice carrying the same excitement.
How could I forgot him. He was the one on whom we have spent sleepless nights thinking and wishing for nothing that would make sense. How much she was in love with him. And just when I was getting used to hear from her at length about how cute, considerate, charming he is, and a detailed account of all their big and small meets, and what he said to her and what she did, one fine day I get a call with her flooding voice telling its all over. He seems interested no more or may be he never was. We pondered over it for days, for months. Came upon theories in vain one after another to rationalize, knowing well that somewhere inside we were aware of the reasons . No amount of consoling, arguing, scolding would do the trick with her. And at times I found myself so helpless, and wondering if going through all this torment of love is worth a life.
"You know dea...some things can only be understood by own experiences and accepted only by giving them time, however simple they are and however silly they look otherwise. Time is the best and perhaps the only healer. No amount of advice, consoling and justifications that came from you could fill up the gap of my solitude that time, and i thought i'll never be able to forgot and forgive him, and how much I was sure about it. How silly was it all na...." she laughed like stupid at her past stupidness. I too joined her mad moments. All of a sudden she sounded so matured and so wise ...and her words still echoing in my heart.
"So how'z life going on otherwise", it was the next thing to ask when we were done with our hearty laughs.
"Going just fine. Infact things mostly good with life. Hubby nice and doing good in his field and me too. Just that Menu my only daughter...I don't know why it happens with me" her tone indicated the familiar burst out signal to me.
"Just what...." I sensed a seemingly tragic story of hers to get unfolded.
"Menu wants to leave home and live independently I guess with a friend of her to do some crappy things. She's just 16. How could she... ? How will she manage. I don't understand. I can never ever let it happen. I feel so helpless. She won't listen to me. Why does this happen always to me...."
Like the old buddies we were talking again. And my instinct of aruging, showing her wrong part, offering the best...woke up and just when I was all set to utter that one well articulated ...I heard the words inside.... 'Some things can only be understood by own experiences and accepted only by giving them time, however simple they are and however silly they look otherwise.....'
"Hmm...I understand...I am sure she will understand your concerns. But like you, she will take her own time and learn from her own experiences." I said with the same warmth and concerns.
"Actually yes, I should have thought of it before", came the words after a long silence and I could clearly hear the spark in her eyes and smile in her voice.
....and what followed after was an eternity of gossips we had about anything and everything!!!
Tuesday
In thoghts...
Meetings adjorned,
discssions crtailed.
stdies settled,
plannings postponed.
mood betraying sincerity of
the very prpose of all the works
excses forged,
jstifications done.
news scanned,
blah blogged.
and now what remains in thoghts,
is what's missing here...
discssions crtailed.
stdies settled,
plannings postponed.
mood betraying sincerity of
the very prpose of all the works
excses forged,
jstifications done.
news scanned,
blah blogged.
and now what remains in thoghts,
is what's missing here...
Just a smile
It's a bright morning. You are over phone, when you notice him third time around your cubicle. As usual, he appears to be in a hurry, with face well marked with work thoughts. And you know he never fails to look towards your side on account of one or the other pretext. He has never looked ever straight in your eyes, or stared more than a glance in a go. A glimpse of yours, and you could see a smile in his eyes, and the joy in his fastened pace..
The other day he came to the travel desk person sitting next to your cubicle to ask if he can get flight tickets to his hometown. Perhaps after spending over 20 years, he still doesn't know that his place is only connected via road, or perhaps he doesn't know that you know it. Now you don't suspect why his tea breaks so often and so perfectly coincide with yours, and why is he over phone most of the time in listening mode giving (you) those blank looks. He's even friendly with the girl who seems to do nothing except cribbing and back biting. May be because she sits diagonally opposite to you. Poor guy, he doesn't have the slightest clue how much you hate her. Now-a-days you have even started noticing his ironed shirt tucked smartly to hide the extra pounds around his waist., the small comb revealing its shape from the back pocket of his trousers.
He's gone past your cubicle, and you know that he'll be back soon with all his confused looks and will try sincerely to steal a glance. If he finds you staring at him, he'll just look down, try to look more busy and hasten his pace. And you will have a secret pleasure in knowing and seeing all this, and perahaps will talk about it with your best friend whom you are going to meet at crossword in the evening.
I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. But please, give him a smile when accidently (as it always appears) your eyes met his...next time. He might (infact for sure) immediately look away as if nothing happened. But I know when you will be gone, it would crack in a smile brighter than the morning sunlight, and it would make his day. So please...
The other day he came to the travel desk person sitting next to your cubicle to ask if he can get flight tickets to his hometown. Perhaps after spending over 20 years, he still doesn't know that his place is only connected via road, or perhaps he doesn't know that you know it. Now you don't suspect why his tea breaks so often and so perfectly coincide with yours, and why is he over phone most of the time in listening mode giving (you) those blank looks. He's even friendly with the girl who seems to do nothing except cribbing and back biting. May be because she sits diagonally opposite to you. Poor guy, he doesn't have the slightest clue how much you hate her. Now-a-days you have even started noticing his ironed shirt tucked smartly to hide the extra pounds around his waist., the small comb revealing its shape from the back pocket of his trousers.
He's gone past your cubicle, and you know that he'll be back soon with all his confused looks and will try sincerely to steal a glance. If he finds you staring at him, he'll just look down, try to look more busy and hasten his pace. And you will have a secret pleasure in knowing and seeing all this, and perahaps will talk about it with your best friend whom you are going to meet at crossword in the evening.
I am not saying you are doing anything wrong. But please, give him a smile when accidently (as it always appears) your eyes met his...next time. He might (infact for sure) immediately look away as if nothing happened. But I know when you will be gone, it would crack in a smile brighter than the morning sunlight, and it would make his day. So please...
Monday
Seasons
In spring, hundreds of flowers;
in autumn, a harvest moon;
in the summer, a refreshing breeze;
in winter snow will accompany you.
if useless things do not hang in your mind,
any season is a good season for you.
in autumn, a harvest moon;
in the summer, a refreshing breeze;
in winter snow will accompany you.
if useless things do not hang in your mind,
any season is a good season for you.
-excerpt from zen koan
Mindless
As for me, I delight
In the everyday Way,
Among mist-wrapped vines
And rocky caves.
Here in the wilderness
I am completely free,
With my friends,
The white clouds,
Idling forever.
There are roads,
But they do not reach the world;
Since I am mindless,
Who can rouse my thoughts?
On a bed of stone I sit,
Alone in the night,
While the round moon
Climbs up Cold Mountain.
- Han shan ( 8th century)
In the everyday Way,
Among mist-wrapped vines
And rocky caves.
Here in the wilderness
I am completely free,
With my friends,
The white clouds,
Idling forever.
There are roads,
But they do not reach the world;
Since I am mindless,
Who can rouse my thoughts?
On a bed of stone I sit,
Alone in the night,
While the round moon
Climbs up Cold Mountain.
- Han shan ( 8th century)
Justifications
I stop at red signal and try to smell the remnant of today's pouring. A hand jolts my shirt. In split of second I ensure the weight of bulge in my side pocket, and give a quick glance at the lady standing next to me with a kid wrapped around her waist. The spreading hand and plight in her eyes saying it all what she needs. I want to look into her eyes to figure out the sense of urgency in her plea. But that will raise her hopes. So I pretend not to look towards her and wait for the glow in green.
Musings start taking over mind. If out of pity, I handover some money, I am setting her up to live this easy resort for life, so I am fully justified in showing indifference. The other day at some other signal, a little boy came and cleaned my bike with his shirt without my consent and then the familiar hand stretched out, and I gave him a blank look till the traffic cop waved us for a clear way. I remember the sad look in that boy's eyes, so I had to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand with similar thoughts. And next morning while eating my breakfast poha, I saw two boys lashing their bare chest and back with whip (guess a traditional street entertainer), and when one of them approaches towards me, I handover a ten rupee note and feel freed from the guilt trip haunting me in eyes of that cleaning boy. Atleast they are taking some efforts (wht the heck if it's to beat themselves for others' amusement) to deserve the money.
There was this jolt again, and I came back from my thoughts. Signal hasn't cleared yet. The murmur is becoming distinct and now taking the tone of cursing. Am I so inhuman that I can't spare 1-2 rupees for the child's milk", is what all I could hear in her words. I am not going to give in to these evokes. I change the gears and move the bike a little forward to end this struggle. I see her with a resigned look and now may be in hunt for another prospect. Her last words still echoing in my mind. I am not inhuman. You should see how generous I am with the elderly beggars. The honks from behind remind me of the green light and I move on all set to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand.
Musings start taking over mind. If out of pity, I handover some money, I am setting her up to live this easy resort for life, so I am fully justified in showing indifference. The other day at some other signal, a little boy came and cleaned my bike with his shirt without my consent and then the familiar hand stretched out, and I gave him a blank look till the traffic cop waved us for a clear way. I remember the sad look in that boy's eyes, so I had to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand with similar thoughts. And next morning while eating my breakfast poha, I saw two boys lashing their bare chest and back with whip (guess a traditional street entertainer), and when one of them approaches towards me, I handover a ten rupee note and feel freed from the guilt trip haunting me in eyes of that cleaning boy. Atleast they are taking some efforts (wht the heck if it's to beat themselves for others' amusement) to deserve the money.
There was this jolt again, and I came back from my thoughts. Signal hasn't cleared yet. The murmur is becoming distinct and now taking the tone of cursing. Am I so inhuman that I can't spare 1-2 rupees for the child's milk", is what all I could hear in her words. I am not going to give in to these evokes. I change the gears and move the bike a little forward to end this struggle. I see her with a resigned look and now may be in hunt for another prospect. Her last words still echoing in my mind. I am not inhuman. You should see how generous I am with the elderly beggars. The honks from behind remind me of the green light and I move on all set to spend next 5 minutes justifying my stand.
Thursday
Last Meet
It is your 3rd call. The other two marked missed in my mobile. I pick it up while rehearsing an apology which won't sound so guilty and at the same time not indifferent too. I reply to all the standard questions with the standard answers. You too seem eager to get over the conversation etiquettes quickly. You ask me if I have seen --- movie. I am glad I have already seen it. And I feel more glad that I have to meet a friend that evening, and so I cann't join you for dinner too. Your voice sounds distraught and silence grips over our conversation. For a while, I think you have hang up on me. The guilt trip daunts upon me, and I want to make it up for you. I ask if we could meet for lunch the next day. The smile returns back in your voice and you readily agree.
I spend much of next morning thinking what you are going to tell me over lunch and what am I going to say. Restless so I am, I reach 10 minutes before and worse you come 6 minutes late. You give a sorry look without bothering for my reaction and I try to ignore it thinking it's you who really need and concerned about this meet . I ask you what do you want to eat and you reply 'whatever' as if that's the last thing you have come here for. 3 minutes have past since we ordered and not spoken yet. I am well rehearsed for my part and waiting eagerly for you to tell me the inevitable. You look around stealing a glance of mine as if to judge my mood. I know you are just about to confide in me. Soon you will be done with your talks, and wipe your tears as if some louse has fallen in your eyes. And by that time, I'll be all burdened with all your secrets, which I'll be never able to get rid of. And then I'll be part of your close circle where you have instilled your faith, always feeling obliged to think for your well being. Worse, next time you will expect me to tell you my story of life with all my longings, embarassing moments and what all troubling my heart (even if none at that moment), and I'll be expected to believe in your concerns for them.
The waiter interrupts my thoughts, and I find you staring at me as if ready to start as soon as I meet your eyes. What the heck. It has to be said and done once for all. I gather a smiling look and ask what's troubling you. You smile back with interest and it widens and widens. And then you tell me the inevitable. You're going for higher studies to fulfill your dreams, the much awaited ones, so much so that nothing else matters for you before 'em. And you simply want to meet and say 'goodbye' to all your friends before leaving, and I am one of them. You look so happy. I feel so helpless. Next 20 minutes you are so excited and engrossed giving me details of the future you are going to live in, and I am busy trying to read the sign 'you will miss me' in your eyes. I wonder if I am the one who is going to give you the missed calls from now onward.
I spend much of next morning thinking what you are going to tell me over lunch and what am I going to say. Restless so I am, I reach 10 minutes before and worse you come 6 minutes late. You give a sorry look without bothering for my reaction and I try to ignore it thinking it's you who really need and concerned about this meet . I ask you what do you want to eat and you reply 'whatever' as if that's the last thing you have come here for. 3 minutes have past since we ordered and not spoken yet. I am well rehearsed for my part and waiting eagerly for you to tell me the inevitable. You look around stealing a glance of mine as if to judge my mood. I know you are just about to confide in me. Soon you will be done with your talks, and wipe your tears as if some louse has fallen in your eyes. And by that time, I'll be all burdened with all your secrets, which I'll be never able to get rid of. And then I'll be part of your close circle where you have instilled your faith, always feeling obliged to think for your well being. Worse, next time you will expect me to tell you my story of life with all my longings, embarassing moments and what all troubling my heart (even if none at that moment), and I'll be expected to believe in your concerns for them.
The waiter interrupts my thoughts, and I find you staring at me as if ready to start as soon as I meet your eyes. What the heck. It has to be said and done once for all. I gather a smiling look and ask what's troubling you. You smile back with interest and it widens and widens. And then you tell me the inevitable. You're going for higher studies to fulfill your dreams, the much awaited ones, so much so that nothing else matters for you before 'em. And you simply want to meet and say 'goodbye' to all your friends before leaving, and I am one of them. You look so happy. I feel so helpless. Next 20 minutes you are so excited and engrossed giving me details of the future you are going to live in, and I am busy trying to read the sign 'you will miss me' in your eyes. I wonder if I am the one who is going to give you the missed calls from now onward.
